A Self-loathing Christian?

I thought about choosing a different title for this blog but then I thought, how will people find it if I fluff it up or beat around the bush? So here it is and here you are. I’m glad your here!

So now that you’ve found yourself here on this page to some random lady’s blog in South Carolina, you may be wondering, why I am I still reading this? Well, don’t leave just yet. It may be no accident that you are here. God works in mysterious ways right? (As the saying goes anyway.)

First of all, I want to tell you that are not alone. You’re not the only Christian who has found themselves in this place of self-loathing and it’s ok. I’m going to repeat that. It is OK. You may not feel ok or think it’s ok, but it is and even more so, you are ok with God. Of course He doesn’t want you to be against yourself, but He’s not mad at you. In fact He’s waiting with open arms to welcome you back every time you get a little lost, or a lot lost.

I have certainly found myself in this place many times over. It’s a vicious cycle, for sure, and one that leaves you exhausted and with little hope for change, but you desire it. Am I right? There are days when you’re doing just fine, going along thinking that you’ve got a handle on this thing called life and then wham! Out of nowhere it feels like, something has happened, yet again, to send you into a state of emotional vertigo. You hardly know what hit you but you feel beyond frustrated, condemned and some days, ready to give up. Yup, been there more times than I can count. It’s scary always living on the edge. So, what’s it going to take to finally have that lasting change, that joy or that peace you so desire? How can you love yourself and love God and all the people in your life that you care about too? Let’s dive in.

First off, don’t consider yourself too far off track. Christian author and neuroscientist, Dr. Caroline Leaf says, “When you find yourself aware of repeating a past toxic habit or what feels like taking a step back in your healing journey, don’t beat yourself up. Simply being aware that you have fallen back is a sign of progress! Self-awareness is a very difficult skill to learn and is incredibly uncomfortable (so be proud of yourself for doing it despite the paint and difficulty!) and it is a requirement for healing.” I hope that gave you a little side smile anyway. Keep reading. We’re in this together.

One thing I want you to consider is that you have been made in the image and likeness of God according to God’s creation as noted in the book of Genesis and with that in mind we need to also consider that we are hardwired with an evaluative capacity that allows us to make judgements (on a smaller non-god kind of scale). This is good because it can help to keep us on God’s path for our lives and stay away from trouble, that is if something doesn’t go wonky with our judging system along the way. And it will because, we are flawed human beings. We judge all kinds of things. We judge the movies we watch, the food we eat, what people wear and then worse, we often incorrectly judge the things we see and hear in the media, people in leadership, the motives of our friends and especially ourselves. We can inflate ourselves or deflate ourselves too much if we aren’t rightly judging ourselves as God would have us.

Remember if you are a child of God, He NEVER heaps on the condemnation. We do that ourselves or we let the enemy of our souls rob us by listening to his lies. The word of God says, “So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.” (Romans 8:1) Condemnation says, “you fool!” “look what you’ve done” “you’re such an idiot” “no one could ever really love you” “you’ll never change” “you always screw everything up” and my biggie, “your not good enough”. I learned a long time ago that it’s not good to use the words ‘always’ and ‘never’ in conversation if you want that conversation to go well, so why would we think it’s ok to beat ourselves up with these self-defeating words? We have to stop calling ourselves names. We have to stop being a bully to ourselves. Ask yourself this. Is any failure too big for God to forgive you for? Go read Hebrews 10:12-14 and see what that speaks to your heart. There is no sin to great. He is the God of forgiveness. So maybe you really have sinned again. Newsflash, we all do! Maybe you keep finding yourself back in those old patterns and unsure how to get out. Well you won’t do it by wishing and you don’t do it by wallowing in condemnation either. Condemnation actually perpetuates the sin even more. You know why? Because when you sit in that place, you are essentially saying that Jesus’ death wasn’t enough and that you need to self-condemn and self-hate at an attempt to self-atone. I know that hurts. I’m sorry, but I have to call it out. No amount of self-hate is going to change your sinful patterns or make you somehow a better person. It’s a trap. Accepting God’s forgiveness should empower you toward change. As you put your focus on Him, then He brings about the lasting change in your life.

Are your failures even really failures? What is the standard by which you or against you fail? Maybe you don’t even have any big sin issues that you are aware of, but you just constantly feel less then. Those are perceived failures, they aren’t even real! They are your own distortions that most likely only you are bothered by. The bible says, God looks on the heart of a person. Not on how well they look in a dress or suit, or how good of a cook they are, how well they can manage the house-cleaning and child rearing, or how much money is in their bank account. Are you looking in the mirror and wishing you had the looks, skills, money or brains that everyone else seems to have but you? Or maybe someone spoke something over you as a child, maybe you’ve been wronged or judged according to your race or your gender or your faith? None of that matters when you put it up against the only identity that should matter most, and that’s your identity as a son or daughter of God. Everything else is earthly and will pass away. It’s not even all about us. We need to refocus. You know what? I am often a big klutz. I am always dropping stuff on the floor. I double book things on my calendar, I have a lead foot that has gotten me many speeding tickets over the years, I forget things, I loose stuff all the time, me and technology don’t do well together in the same room, etc… you get the point. Those are the things that drive me crazy! Like the popular song, “This is the stuff,” by Francesca Battistelli. I feel she wrote it just for me! Or can anyone remember Alanis Morissette’s song “Ironic,”? I am totally aging myself right now, but seriously! Another one written just for me I felt! Truth is, we all have this stuff happen to us. Maybe some of us more than others, but we need to stop distorting these mishaps into personal failures. Don’t let a bad event, turn into a bad day and then a bad day turn into feelings of just wanting to throw in the towel on all your hopes and dreams. As long as we are in an earthly body with our same ol’ mind to contend with, we are going to make mistakes, we are going to say and do the wrong thing, be disappointed, and feel overwhelmed and frustrated with ourselves. I’ve heard it said that life is like being an airplane pilot. You have a destination and punch in your coordinates, but along the way you will constantly be making course corrections. The pilot checks in with air traffic control and those in his final destination and adjusts as needed. There are so many adjustments that need to be made. There is bad weather to consider, other aircrafts in the sky, and other planes or vehicles on the runway that get in the way of a straight shot to the gate. We need to check in with the Holy Spirit regularly and keep making course corrections as needed. There is no auto pilot and there will be things that get in the way. And you better believe there will be turbulence. I hate turbulence. I am the kind of passenger who has both arm rests gripped and my eyes shut chanting something like, “it’s going to be ok, I’m ok, it’s ok,” with an occasional bad word that I need to repent for if we drop altitude suddenly. Acknowledge that life is going to be full of turbulence and the only reason you dislike it is because the deepest part of you longs for heaven when one day we won’t have all these complications like we do now, but we need to come to terms with it for present otherwise we will drive ourselves nuts expecting perfection all of the time. There is no perfect on this side of heaven! It’s exhausting to be constantly disappointed when we could just come to terms with some of it and shrug it off. I’m sure you’re worn out. (I am just thinking about it!) And that’s why your still reading this super long blog from some random girl in South Carolina! Just kidding.

We must live before God, not ourselves and not others. We must hear God’s voice above our own self-critical one. Don’t damn yourself by internalizing a lie. Let the truth of God’s word confront every lie of self-hate. We must become excellent lie detectors. I have kids. Lots of kids. Ok, 5 kids and you may have more, but most people are shocked when I say I have 5. Anyway, I can tell when they are lying. I have a few really crafty ones, but I am so on to them. We NEED to be the same way with ourselves and with the “voice” that condemns us. We need to challenge every thought that passes through our minds and sort them into invisible bins. Your filter for sorting? Is it kind, gentle or joyful? If it doesn’t fit into that description, it’s time to throw it out and don’t pick it back up. And maybe you make it something of an exercise for awhile. Not the physically exhausting kind, I mean, for every major thought you have in your head that provokes a strong negative feeling toward yourself or others for that matter, write it on paper. Put it through the filter and then throw it into an actual trash can. You’ll be training your brain and checking off something to do. I like to do lists. Makes me feel accomplished. Ha-ha!

Remember, we are not trying to get God to love us. We are not trying to earn points with God or get a better seat at the celebration table in heaven. In the gospel of John, one of the disciples was commonly referred to as the “disciple whom Jesus loved.” It is believed to be John himself and also the writer of the book of John, but that could be theologically debated. Regardless, in the entire book it does not use the mans name anywhere! Even in places where you would properly write something like “John” said to Peter… it reads "the disciple who Jesus loved” said to Peter... Some could say, well I guess Jesus had favorites or maybe John was so full of himself that he really thought he was the most beloved, but I think he speaks this way because he had such a deep internal revelation of the love of God. He just couldn’t help himself but declare it any chance he got. We also know that the bible was written to be for all people of all time for all generations and so it is also a revelation that God wants us to have right now! If you combine the scriptures that you know about God not showing favoritism (Romans 2:11) and all those talking about His love for us and about Him sending Jesus for the “whosoever” (John 3:16), you can take those truths and slap them in the face of anything that stands up against them. We are all whosoevers! And that story about the shepherd going after the 1 and leaving the 99, that’s not just a kids Sunday school lesson. It really is true! (Luke 15:1-7). And it’s true of you! You need to stop seeing yourself as some lowly worm and start touting the word of God over yourself and tell that dirty devil to shut up! Ok, now I’m getting all pentecostal on you and using way too many exclamation points. Oh goodness. Breathe. Ok, I’m good. Moving on.

Every night we sing the song “Jesus loves me,” to our kids. Well, at least the two younger boys we still do, but we did it for all of them when they were little and needed tucking in. When I first started singing that song, it felt silly to be singing it toward myself. I wanted my kids to know it, so I wanted to change the words around and sing it like “Jesus loves YOU this I know…” but I realized that the reason you sing it the way you do is so that YOU are the one internalizing the message of what it is saying. And of course my kids would get it if I told them Jesus loved them, but they would get it even more if the words of Jesus loves ME were resounding in their little minds as they drifted off to sleep. Songs are written for others to follow along and it’s important to hear yourself saying Jesus loves ME. You have to know the love of God for YOU! You have to. It’s the hinge by which all of the goodness of God can flow in and out of you and into the world around you. But, you can’t give what you do not have. If you feel like God doesn’t love you, it’s not because He doesn’t. It’s because your feelings are getting in the way. Your self-hatred is lying to you and talking you out of what you ALREADY have. It’s not something God gives or takes away, it’s who He is. You can’t earn it. It’s a gift. He’s the daddy you’ve always dreamed of. He get’s you. He understands you. Better than you know yourself and He knows exactly what you need. Trust Him. Just decide. Decide you will trust. Decide you will believe. Decide that anything that is contradictory is a lie and it doesn’t matter if you don’t understand it and don’t feel it. The feelings will come later. Just keep pressing. Keep fighting. The bible says that we have to keep up the good fight of faith. It’s easy to doubt and it’s easy to hate yourself. But, it’s a fight worth fighting for to know that you are a beloved child of God worthy of every ounce of the Fathers peace and joy that He gives freely to you who will receive.

“The grace and power and presence of God meet us in our greatest needs, including self-hatred.” (David Powlison)

God knows what you go through. He knows all the pain and disappointments we have in this world. But this isn’t our final destiny. You can keep your eyes on heaven and have heaven on earth even amidst the storms. We forget that God came in-person to this earth and lived amongst us, experiencing life as we do through Christ Jesus. He was tested in all the ways we are and yet not sinned. He sympathizes with us. When you see Jesus, you see the Father. “Seek first the kingdom above all else”, the bible says in Matthew 6:33, “and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.” What are you seeking? To be something other than you are supposed to be? The approval of man? Self-confidence as the world suggests? Don’t do it. You were created a unique person for a reason. God doesn’t make mistakes. You are the exact person you were meant to be. Perceived failures and all. He sees you through the shed blood of Christ as pure and holy before Him. Bring it all to His feet. Over and over if you have to. There is always enough mercy and grace for you to live the life you were meant to.

And one last final note. Don’t let social media allow you to continually compare yourself to everyone else’s highlight reel. It feeds the self-loathing. Why do you think I am writing this blog? Because I deal with this and God told me to share it because a lot of other people deal with this too. It’s ok to not be ok, but just don’t stay there long. Pray and ask the Holy Spirit to give you wisdom to discern the lies from the truth and stay on top of it. You may have to invest into a deep study on the love of God and set aside some time for awhile to let Him lift you up so you can be in that place of peace and rest within. Jesus said we have the power to calm the storms but I think first that means the storm within. When He was asleep in the boat and the weather turned bad, the disciples woke him up in fear for their lives and Jesus addressed their faith. It wasn’t the storm they needed to be concerned with, it was the anxiety of their hearts. They needed to be in faith trusting God with everything first before the could take on the storm. You can’t properly engage the storms of life if you haven’t dealt with them in your heart first. You have what it takes. Christ lives in you. He loves you completely.

Thank you for allowing me the privilege to speak into your life. I pray that whoever reads this, that God has met you where you are and spoken something to your heart. I pray that as He beckons you back to Himself, that you would go unhindered to the arms of your heavenly Father knowing you are wholly loved. As always, if you would like to send me a prayer request, I am always happy to lift them up for you in confidence. I am grateful if you would likewise pray for me too;)